Responsibility of our emotions

“You didn’t say hi to me, now I am upset!”

“You finish your food then I’ll be happy.”

“Won’t you give me a hug? I’m feeling sad now!”

“When you don’t listen to me, it makes me angry!”

We hear these dialogues commonly being said to kids. What happens here is that the adult feels some things like being upset or happy or sad or angry but the responsibility of this emotion is given to the child. The hidden message here, if we look closely, is as if the adult is saying to the child “look, I’m feeling this or that and you change your behaviour to make me feel otherwise (or to make me feel happy.)

The child’s brain structures which help the child efficiently deal with emotions are still developing. This makes it challenging for them to handle their own emotions, let alone the adult’s emotions. If you think about it, it is absolutely unfair, then, to give the child any responsibility for our emotions. (In fact, it is absolutely unfair to give anyone any responsibility for our emotions, let alone our children.)

Think about it, who is responsible for making you happy? Who is responsible for dealing with your anger or sadness? No one else can be responsible for our emotions because no one else can hold the absolute power to change our emotions (when we are truly empowered and emotionally independent).

Let’s model emotional independence for our children.

Activity:

Observe yourself when you speak to your child. Scan for any incidents where unknowingly you may put the burden of your emotions on your child.

See if there’s any other way to do or say the same thing.